If you’ve spent any time online lately, you’ve probably seen the “Jessica” trend—parents calling out a random name to interrupt a toddler’s tantrum. And yes, it can work in the moment. It grabs a child’s attention, shifts their focus and briefly stops the meltdown.
But here’s the thing. Parenting isn’t about stopping the behavior in the moment. It’s about helping your child build the skills they need for the long run.
The “Jessica” trick relies on distraction. It doesn’t help children understand what they’re feeling, why they’re feeling it or what to do with those big emotions next time. Over time, that matters.
In early childhood, tantrums aren’t bad behavior—they’re communication. Young children don’t yet have the language or brain development to regulate their emotions. When we skip over that emotional moment, we miss an opportunity to teach them something deeper.
That’s where connection comes in.
At the heart of healthy development is the relationship between a child and their caregiver. As explained in Circle of Security, children need a safe, trusted adult who helps them feel secure when emotions are big and supports them as they learn to navigate the world. When a child is overwhelmed, they aren’t looking for distraction—they’re looking for safety.
This is also the foundation of infant and early childhood mental health. Young children learn to trust, feel safe and express emotions through their early relationships with caregivers. Those everyday interactions, especially during hard moments, shape how children handle stress, build relationships and regulate emotions as they grow.
So what does that look like in real life, especially in the middle of a tantrum?
Instead of redirecting away from the feeling, try leaning into it:
- Name the emotion: “You’re really frustrated right now.”
- Stay calm and present: Your nervous system helps regulate theirs.
- Offer connection before correction: A hug, sitting nearby, or a steady voice can go a long way.
- Guide, don’t dismiss: Once they’re calmer, help them problem-solve or move forward.
These moments aren’t easy. But they are powerful.
Positive parenting doesn’t mean getting it right every time—it’s about showing up, repairing when needed and building a strong, loving relationship over time. It’s what you do every day, especially during challenges, that helps children feel secure and supported.
The goal isn’t to eliminate tantrums overnight. The goal is to raise a child who knows: My feelings are safe, and I have someone who helps me through them.
Because in the end, it’s not about finding the fastest way to stop the noise. It’s about building the kind of trust that helps your child handle life’s biggest emotions—long after the tantrums are gone.
